Bohemia Bunny

And so it ends.

April 2nd, 2007 by lynnylchan under My Life

If I may just rant for a little while, because I feel like reclaiming this blog from the money-spinning machine it has (not) become, and because there are a lot of things I’ve learned about a lot of people and it never ceases to amaze me how complicated human beings are.

For the first time in a long while, I had a long dinner followed by a chat with some of the freshmen whom I’m particularly close to. I’ve not had dinner in hall for some time, and when I do it’s a rushed, solitary affair. So it was a real pleasure to just sit around and taaaaallllkk like we’re supposed to do in hall.

Most of us at the table just completed our drama project, so we were discussing the highs and lows of that experience. I enjoyed it tremendously myself, but then ours was one of the less stressful plays. The freshman, on the other hand, had a tough time with her cast because she insisted on commitment and quality, both of which she felt were lacking in the rest of the members.

In between, we were trying to sniff out scandals in hall, and I remarked offhand that I found so-and-so hot. Why not, I mean, if someone’s hot just come right out and say it. Unfortunately I got shot down for my lack of taste. Boo. Well I do admit that I have rather strange tastes regarding the hotness of males - I’m not an aesthetically-driven person. I do, however, have frighteningly good predictive validity when it comes to the guys’ future prospects. Looking back, the ones I captured as well as the ones who got away have now gone on to bigger and better things, while I’m still… muddling around. As someone pointed out, “But he’s your EX!” Past tense. And it’s probably because they ended things with me, that they were able to move on to glory. Hooray, date me, dump me and you’re set for life. I don’t mind, actually - that might just be the perfect ecological niche for someone as commitment-averse as I am.

Anyway, I realised that I’m disgustingly obvious when someone has caught my eye. But then I wasn’t trying to hide it anyway. Someone dished the dirt on someone else, and said to me privately, “I’m telling you this because I know you’re interested, and…” it’s in my best interests, really, and I do appreciate that. I’m socially impaired, but my information-gathering skills are quite impressive. Hehe. In the long-ago past, I wouldn’t have stood for someone saying anything against the target of the moment - I would have defended them. But now, I realise that you really do want to hear the negative things, in order to form a clearer picture instead of some rosy idealization. So of course I would hold nothing against the informant. Whistle-blowing policy, eh?

I heard a lot more gossip that’s not really relevant, but I just like hearing it. It’s not malicious gossip - I dislike malice - by gossip I meant peeks into other people’s personal lives. Get off your high horse and admit that we’re all voyeurs. Personally speaking, there are things I don’t mind people saying about me, that I would never say myself, and that would be gossip, but not the mean kind. The social world of Homo sapiens sapiens is so ridiculously convoluted and multifaceted, and yet we can still navigate it by means of these complex cognitive mechanisms that Piaget postulated i.e. Theory of Mind and perspective-taking. In other words - I know that you know that I know what you didn’t want me to know.

This post is all over the place, because dinnertime conversation tends to be all over the place - that’s what makes for a great mealtime. If I wanted focused conversation, I would go for a conference or something.

But I originally started this post intending to reflect on SIX, and so I shall. It’s been great to take the stage again - call me attention-seeking, call me shameless, but performing is in my blood. Perhaps it’s because I don’t even have a concrete idea of who I am, that I take on other personas so well. I’m going to miss my crazy castmates, although I’m sure they’ll be glad to be free from my ear-splitting shrieks (dude, it’s in the script!). I’ll miss the camaraderie from being part of something so huge and yet so personal - it’s like a feeling that we’re all in this together, and though you may not be in my play, I recognize you as a fellow artiste, a comrade in arts. The drama scene in Eusoff being what it is, it feels good to find some kindred spirits. It helped that many of them, like me, are dabblers rather than true experts, so there isn’t a sense of being intimidated by “the good actors”.

I’ll miss being backstage, taking deep breaths while doing a quick mental runthrough of my lines. I’ll miss the tension of the moments before the curtain opens, and it begins. We engage the audience, put ourselves on the line and in the spotlight. All too soon, it’s over, and I re-enter the holding room to the surprised exclamations of “Back so soon?” and a mocking “boo”. Just like after Amplitude, I wind down in the holding room, and re-emerge after the interval. My friends are there, and it’s really nice that they came to watch, although I know it wasn’t on my account and the praises are glaringly lacking, but I did what I could and I’m happy with the results.

I wouldn’t have missed this for the world, and I’m glad I took on this commitment even though at times it drove me crazy in combination with all my other deadlines. I suppose it was a success, and I hope that’s enough impetus to spawn Dramafest 2008 - it would be a waste to let something with this much potential go to waste. But till next year, it’s time to give my inner thespian a rest, and plod on with my pedestrian life, littered with essays and tests.