Deluded

January 22nd, 2007 by lynnylchan under My Life

Despite the better clothes, funkier hairstyle and overall room improvements, I have to admit I’m still the geek I always was. And the people around me never tire of reminding me of such.

I’m still a nobody in hall, and even less of an entity outside of its red bricks. In the band, I’m very flatteringly referred to by the #1 as “the #2 vocalist”. I don’t think I’m even that high in the pecking order. Probably a couple more rungs down, because even the guitarists can sing better than I do.

I’m the #2 in DnD, but I know it was never meant to be my position. I was Plan B, the contingency that came into effect when the boss’s first choice backed out of DnD. Well, I didn’t want to be #2 anyway. I wanted to be the head of a subcomm, which would put me at #3 in the hierarchy, and not the sole #3 either. But that was what I wanted. I know several people out there probably resent me for the sheer dumb luck that landed me in a position above theirs. If they think I’m power-tripping, then so be it. This is probably one of the few aspects of my life where I’m not deluded as to the actual perception of my position. No one cares about #2. I am the man in the box, and if you’ve seen The Prestige, you’ll know what I mean.

Some days when I’m feeling really good about myself, or I’ve pulled off a rare accomplishment such as walking down the corridor without tripping over my own feet, I proclaim that I am cool, and that I rock. And those who are with me roll their eyes at this bald-faced lie, and tell me again that I’m deluded.

But I don’t believe it, not really. I wish I did. I wish I really believed I was capable of coolness. No one has ever said “Lynn rocks”, and no one ever will, and this isn’t a request for someone to do so. Lynn doesn’t rock. I might roll, though, and at the rate I’m gaining weight, one day I might actually do so, down the slope from Central Library. But I don’t rock.

I like cars and gadgets and football. Does that make me a butch?

I like puppies and makeup and pretty clothes and the colour pink. Does that make me a bimbo?

I shall just declare my status as geek. Not geekette, not geek goddess, just geek. I like taking things apart to see how they work. I love tinkering with electronics. I enjoy spending my weekends in the library. I think good grammar is sexy, and proper pronunciation of words irresistible. And it’s not just the size of your hard disk, it’s how you use it.

There wasn’t anything wrong with the old Lynn. I just thought I’d try out some new third-party applications, but they’re making the system unstable. Time to do a System Restore. Less flash, less fancy-shmancy fade-through effects, but more efficient processing, and generally easier to live with since crashes will happen less frequently.

It feels like rediscovering a lost love.