Bohemia Bunny

Self-loathing in the rain

December 19th, 2006 by lynnylchan under My Life

It was another of those days where it starts raining and never seems to let up. Sometimes it makes me wonder where the clouds get all that vapour from, surely they have to run out sometime? Just when you think they’re done with their deluge, they come up with another round. What an apt metaphor for the barrage I’ve been under.

It’s been a semester of self-doubt for me. Many things that I’d taken for granted were yanked out from under me with all the subtlety of Arthur pulling the sword out of the stone. I’m not as good at some things as I thought I was, and I have close to no chance of achieving what I thought I could. I’ve had to seriously question my motivations, and ask myself what kind of person I am, who I’m becoming and whether that’s what I really want.

I realised I am practically pitch-deaf and can’t be trusted to sing harmony, short of giving me an in-ear monitor (which would be cheating!).

I also suck at writing term papers. Apparently among the brain cells I killed with alcohol, some of them were in charge of critical thinking.

I am a crappy leader and organizer. I don’t relate well to my subordinates, and I can’t chart a clear course for them to follow. Learn to lead, or learn to follow, I said. But I’m a hypocrite, because I can’t do either. I’m too intent on blazing my own path, without caring that it’s too idiosyncratic to be useful to the rest of the committee. Take a look around you, jester. They aren’t laughing with you, but at you.

My conscious mind has finally accepted what my subconscious has known all along: That my efforts to learn new things, while admirable, have sadly fallen short. Pilates has not broken me of my slouching habit, salsa has not made me a better dancer, band has not made me a better musician. And the fault in all these lies entirely with me. In the end, I couldn’t achieve the underlying change in mindset needed to improve. I thought I could change, but apparently my willpower isn’t what it used to be.

I thought I could still push for a First Class Degree, but now I’m struggling to stay in the Second Upper band. Looks like that dream is dashed once and for all.

I have come to the realization that, perhaps, I really don’t have a heart. I am bored, blase, jaded, because I feel nothing deeply. Everything is superficial. Pain lasts only momentarily, happiness rarely outlasts the flitting smile.

So I was pondering my long list of failures this semester, as the rain beat against the windows of the bus. Perhaps I was feeling a little masochistic. Maybe I needed a ritual cleansing. Probably I wanted some time alone. Whatever the reason, I eschewed the shelter of the umbrella for wet hair and washed-off makeup.

I have to admit, I rather enjoyed it. Both the sensation and the symbolism. The rain was cold and refreshing, and it came from above like a benediction from the heavens. But the symbolism is what mattered to me.

Instead of fearing the rain, I embraced it. Instead of avoiding it, I approached it. And I felt so free, so alive, so myself. I didn’t have to care about what others thought, I could be that lunatic laughing at the rain because I knew I had what I needed to survive it.

I may never make the Dean’s List, date a rock star or do four consecutive salsa turns. So what? Let the deluge continue. I’ll survive. And at the end of it all, I’ll emerge, soaked, but free.