Bohemia Bunny

Guitars and Penis Envy

August 24th, 2006 by lynnylchan under Blogroll

What an interesting title. Today I shall explore why girls love guitarists, some girls love playing guitar, and the sexology of the Rock God.

I had an audition today with the hall band Peroxide for a spot as their vocalist. The band doesn’t have a definite set-up, it works more like a football team - 2 players to every position - so it’s not ‘Rock Star: Supernova’, which I don’t watch anyway.

I have come to the conclusion that girls love guitarists because the guitar is a phallic replacement. Come on, you know what I mean. It’s big and long and loud and it drives the girls absolutely wild. There is something about a guitar - and I mean an electric one like a Fender or a Les Gibson, and not an acoustic - that is inherently, primally, sexual. A guy is just a guy, but a guy with a guitar - mmm. A hot guy who is a guitar maestro - bow down and worship him, oh my guitar-enamoured sisters. Think about it: Heath Ledger in ‘10 Things I Hate About You’: hot. Heath Ledger with guitar - *melts into puddle*.

Guitar skillz can be a redeeming grace of otherwise aesthetically challenged males. On the street, the boys of Peroxide are just otherwise normal. Some may even be considered less than desirable due to certain traits which I can’t identify here because those are very idiosyncratic traits. But in the studio, with their guitars on - yay. Rock Gods in the house, y’all.

Some girls would rather put the strap over their own shoulders. I totally understand. I have a bit of a fetish for the bass guitar myself. One looks so darn sexy with it hanging insouciantly at hip level, nonchalantly twanging away. But the true point is that the girls see it as a replacement for the phallus denied to them by biology. Yep. No, we do not want to be males. We merely want to imitate that sexual attraction of a large phallus. Yep. And come on, guys do find it attractive too. Avril Lavigne, etc. There’s a market for rock chicks, oh yes.

The Rock God - a true Rock God - needs more than just guitar skillz. He also needs, in my opinion, a hot bod, an addiction of some sort, a slightly feminizing trait, lots of tattoos, and a way-out personality. Case in point: Dave Navarro. I know he somehow ended up divorcing Carmen Electra (like, what?) but I think he is a true Rock God. I don’t know what his addiction is, apart from Jane’s. (His band is Jane’s Addiction.) He wears eyeliner and nail polish - pretty much de riguer nowadays - and yes, I do suppose the whole getting-married-on-MTV thing is pretty weird. Plus Carmen Electra sure knows how to pick them, her ex is Dennis Rodman so it shows she does like the more, um, outgoing and unique personalities.

But my own personal Rock God is old-school. Let’s give it up for Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, man! The dude fought heroin addiction and has been a bona fide rock star for well over a decade. Part of the reason I love the RHCP is him. He’s just so hot. Old, perhaps, but hot. Flea is pretty adorable, and John Frusciante’s cool, but hot, man, hot’s where it’s at. Yeah. Now where can I find me my own Anthony?