Monthly Archive
Browsing entries posted on March 2006
Stand Up and Fight, commuters of Singapore!
You know those people who stand right at the door of the MRT, who block your way OUT of the train, and push their way in? We have to get back at them. By pushing back.
I was getting off at Harbourfront, which is the last stop for the North East Line. As I stood at the door, waiting for it to open, I looked at the kiasu people gathering outside, all eager to leap onto the train. The one right opposite me on the other side of the doors was a big-sized boy holding a rugby ball.
“Okay, buddy,” snarled my inner gangster. “You wanna fight? I’ll give you a fight!”
As the doors opened, I pushed my way out. Usually I’d angle my body and try to squeeze in between, but not today. You don’t deserve it, you kiasu scumbags. You want to block my way out, then I’ll jolly well push you out of the way. I scored a few good hits, too. My conscience rebelled at the thought of being anything less than civil to other people, but conscience lost in the face of righteous anger. Don’t bloody block my way and I won’t bloody push you.
In fact, as I jostled them aside, they were the ones apologizing. Yes, that’s right! How about you give more than lip service next time, and actually move aside? I mean, come on! This is the terminus! The train starts out empty, the seats start out empty, and there aren’t many commuters so you can stop worrying that you won’t get a seat! Honestly. Now, time to play Devil’s Advocate.
Aunty “I’m-Older-So-You-Shouldn’t-Push-Me” says, “Si gin nah! (Bad child) I’m so old and you still dare to push me! You know or not if I don’t faster-faster get on the train then I no place to sit!”
My reply: So old, all the more reason you shouldn’t be standing near the doors. Dangerous hor, later you fall into the gap how? Also, since you so old, get on the train already, then go and scold the other young people to give up their seats for you. If they don’t, then you can bemoan the state of Singapore society loudly until one of them gets so irritated they give up.
Ms “Cast Not the First Stone” says, “Do you mean to say that you have never blocked the MRT doors?”
My reply: Yes. I respect those yellow lines and what they stand for, because I know that it’s only logical to make way for those alighting, so that the train will be emptier and thus have more space for me. It’s not a matter of being a sheep. I believe those yellow lines serve a good purpose, if only people would pay attention to them instead of literally treading them underfoot.
Mr “I don’t understand the laws of physics” says, “I have to faster faster push my way through so that I can get on the train during rush hour! Otherwise there won’t be space for me on the train and I’ll have to wait 5 minutes for the next one!”
My reply: Maybe if you let us alighting passengers get OFF the train, there’d be more space for you to get ON it. And no, compression only works up to a certain point, since 2 objects can’t occupy the same space at the same time.
So the next time I’m on the MRT and there are these people blocking my way out, I don’t care any more. If you’re stupid enough to stand in my way, I shall be heartless enough to push you out of it. Fair? Fair.
Curses! Foiled again!
Boo-wibbledy-hoo-hoo. I came back, exhausted and sweaty, to this note slipped under my mouse.
“There was a check at 1120 and you were not in. You are fined for:
(not checked) lights left switched on
(not checked) fan left switched on
(not checked) bed positioned upside down
(checked) other
Please specify: Fridge charges not paid. $126″
Upon receiving this, I was aghast. Someone must have outed me! The form was too specific. I had, actually, left the fan on, but the weather is so swelteringly hot that I’d be a fool to do otherwise. So I guess they didn’t fine me for that.
“Someone pot-ted me,” muttered I. “Pot” is slang for “report”, the verb. The fine was double what we normally pay for fridge charges. One year’s electrical charge for the fridge is $63 including tax. I figured when I bought the fridge, that it was insane to pay that much when I was only using it for half a semester. According to MY maths, since one year is $63 and one semester is $31.50, by rights I should only have to pay $15.75. I didn’t think the office would let me off with this, so I neglected to declare my fridge.
And now the poor thing has been caught. At least they had the decency not to unplug it and leave it on my doorstep as some extreme kind of warning to never again skive on paying fridge charges.
I pleaded to Ms Doris that I had only just taken possession of the fridge last week, and to pay the full fine would be quite unreasonable. “Do you have an invoice?” she asked.
“I bought it online, secondhand, and I paid cash,” I whined. “But I can show you the online transaction records…”
So I printed out the records of the auction and stapled it to the fine. The hall manager, gruff though he may look, let me off with never an angry word. (Plus he was distracted by some other matters, hahaha.) So in the end, I paid $31.50, which is no less than I deserve.
See, if I had been a good girl and declared it early on, I’d have saved $15.75. Let this be a lesson to all contraband fridge owners. And Ms Doris said I wasn’t the only one either, “a few of you seniors got caught,” she told me. Hem, sneaky seniors, aren’t we?
Now that I have a fine on my record, this puts paid to any chances of me winning the Hall Merit Board Awards. Boohoohoo. Now I know what it feels like to be discriminated against for having a less-than-spotless record. Don’t look askance at those who are living a second chance, y’all!
While we’re on the issue, I didn’t know it was not allowed to have your bed “positioned upside down”. I wonder how much the fine is for that offence? And what of those with non-human friends? Poor things. I have heard that the hall office is fine with hamster owners, on account of hamsters being quiet and confined to their cages. I should bring in a chinchilla, and maybe some gerbils. Let’s see what they make of that. A dog, no matter how quiet, wouldn’t be allowed, on humane grounds. The room is already so small, a dog would go stir-crazy. And they can’t be allowed to roam.
I wonder if they opened my closet. My vodka is pretty well hidden, and there’s not other contraband unless you really go through my things, which is unacceptable. And that crumpled-up used tissue is still sitting on my desk… I’d have thought they’d take it off to the lab to test for drugs/STDs/bird flu.
Lord Moldy Wart Answers Some Questions
Q: Why do you have 2 pairs of slippers?
A: Wet and Dry. One pair is for the bathroom because they’re non-slip. And also because it’s highly unpleasant to put your dry feet into wet slippers to go somewhere. You squelch like some sort of land-roving octopus.
Q: Why do you hate girls so much?
A: You would too, if you had to spend 11 years in close proximity with them and only them.
Q: What is your favourite kind of pie?
A: 3.141592654… erm, just a little geek joke there… I am quite partial to the Hershey’s Sundae Pie, available at any Burger King. So if you’re in the vicinity of one and feel like being evil, buy me one and ruin my diet, you diabolical creature you.
A Warning to All Who Enter
I am thisclose to developing manic depression, I think. Long periods of lethargy (morning nap. afternoon nap. after-dinner nap.) followed by general apathy (stupid photoshoot. why should i have to dress up for a photoshoot that doesn’t even have a close-up of me), with a digression into flight of ideas.
“This is peanut soup,” I declare, peering into the black depths of the plastic bowl. There’s a characteristic smell of the underground legumes. The salty liquid within is black, and bits of ashes are seen. I do believe the chemists call it “turbid”.
“I know! They burned up the peanuts, and took the ashes to make soup. Because ashes are alkaline, they added acid to neutralise it, resulting in the formation of salt, which is why it’s salty!”
My dinner companion tries to convince me of the impossibility of this idea, but his rationality has no foothold against my manic caffeine-induced ranting. After browbeating him into submission with nothing more than a “theory” pulled out of thin air, I admire the sucker-fish in the aquarium, declaring them to be the cutest fish in the tank.
Now I know why people take drugs.
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