Lord Moldy Wart Makes Lunch

February 25th, 2006 by lynnylchan under Uncategorized

Lord Moldy Wart decided to have tofu for lunch. Smooth, silken egg tofu. He was very fond of egg tofu. The problem was, he had never cooked egg tofu before.

“Do I boil it?” he asked his chief minion. “Perhaps,” replied the underling. “I suppose that’s as good a method as any.”

Lord Moldy Wart put the egg tofu in a microwave-safe dish, and popped the dish into the microwave oven. He set the timer for 2-and-a-half minutes. After 2 minutes, there was a muffled, but ominous “pop” from within the oven. Alarmed, Lord Moldy Wart immediately switched off the oven and removed the dish. A slice of the egg tofu had exploded.

“Oh my,” thought Lord Moldy Wart. “Um, maybe bombarding my food with tiny rays of death isn’t the way to go.” The forlorn exploded slice of tofu bobbed around in the hot water, as though agreeing with him.

Lord Moldy Wart decided that frying was the most suitable method. That was how it was done, wasn’t it? That’s how the restaurants got that lovely wrinkly brown skin onto their egg tofu. I mean, it’s not as though they could glue it on or anything, right?

The chief minion walked past to check on the culinary endeavours. Tiny bits of tofu littered the pan, as the food got broken up slowly by the turning action of Lord Moldy Wart’s wok turner. It was like erosion, only involving food, and happening extremely fast. Meanwhile, the evil lord was muttering to himself. “Why won’t it cook? It’s not browning!” The surface of the tofu remained smooth and yellow. “Maybe I need to suntan it. Suntanning makes skin browner and wrinkly.”

Eventually the tofu achieved some semblance of being cooked. It was maybe 2 shades browner than it had been in the beginning. Lord Moldy Wart poked it with a corner of the wok turner.

“Looks raw, doesn’t it?” commented the chief minion, peering into the dish.
“Tsk,” tsked Lord Moldy Wart. It seemed that Operation Naked Chef would have to be carried out after all. “Soon, I shall be as natural a cook as Jamie Oliver!” announced Lord Moldy Wart, and he cackled in a vaguely evil manner, but really it just sounded like he was choking. On his own badly cooked tofu.

and for mr.udders, who asked: it is a fictionalized dramatization. although some bits are more fictionalized than others.