Gaah! Horrible freshman boy. Went for dinner without telling me. He knew I’d be eating alone! But he didn’t bother. Maybe he wanted a quiet date with his ‘gay partner’, but still. I’m very sad leh.
I was in his room yesterday, teaching him how to navigate the bloody tangled web that is CORS, and because he wouldn’t let me leave, I sat on his bed watching him chat on MSN. Since his MSN messages usually confuse the hell out of me, it was actually quite a revelation to see how he thinks and phrases his messages. He really does think very hard about what to write, and most times he’ll start typing, only to erase it all when the next message comes in. Very the not spontaneous. I don’t like. My observation could be biased, of course, since the particular conversation I saw took place between him and someone he had only just met. But it’s very useful in illustrating to me his behaviour towards ‘new targets’, since I myself have only known him for less than 2 weeks.
It became obvious that he uses MSN as a flirting weapon, and hence everything he says in MSN is not to be taken seriously at all. In fact… not just in MSN lar. Any words that come out of his mouth are also to be taken in jest. He says what he thinks the girl wants to hear. Which is not how I like my conversation. It gives it an element of falseness that I don’t think should be there in a relationship.
So all the little ideas I’ve been holding, all the “oh he said this so he must have meant something by it” hopes I had, all gone. The things he said about looking forward to bashes and hoping I’d be there (hence implying that he wanted to dance with me again), the asking me to spend the night in his room (of course it was obvious, even then, that he wasn’t serious), the comments about me being so skinny and how he liked his girls with a bit of meat… it was all either in jest, or in my head. I read into it what I wanted him to mean. That was my fault.
To him, as to me, the thrill is in the chase. Unlike me, however, his chase can lead nowhere, it can be just a passing thrill. For me, the chase has to end with a capture, and I’m always disappointed when it turns out not to be the case. Perhaps I should at least learn that from him – to flirt for the fun of flirting, and never to read more into it. I should stop hoping that men flirt with the intention of forming lasting, meaningful relationships. Because that’s rubbish. Men, especially men like him, flirt because it makes them feel alive.
Henceforth I resolve not to message him unless he messages me first, and not to eat dinner with him unless he invites me first. I’m also hoping my regular dinner buddy comes back soon, then I won’t have to worry about eating alone anymore. Routine is important to me.
Flirting in clubs, even with people you’ll see later, is a dangerous proposition. Alcohol and close body contact can seriously impair your judgement. Remember that, kids.
