Monthly Archive
Browsing entries posted on June 2005
I’ll chop your KKC off!
Headline news in The Star today:
“Serial Rapist Caught”
This bloody serial rapist is a damn sick man. He preyed specifically on tourists, performing lewd acts on them. Sicko.
You know what they should do with psychopaths like this? Chop their bloody balls off! Chop off balls, then no more testosterone = no more aggression. It’d serve him right.
And in his case, because he didn’t just play the first hole but also the second, we should chop his ku ku cheow (penis) off as well. Chop off your violating ku ku cheow see you still dare to rape people or not!
If he went to a prison like the ones in the movies, he’d get his just desserts and be on the receiving end of the stick (quite literally so). But then, it might have been prison that made him a sexual predator in the first place.
I just plain hate rapists. Especially rapists who destroy the good name of my country.
I have pwned teh clutch!
Arrrr har har har! I passed my test, I passed my test! *dances around madly, shaking bottom* In your face, clutch! Hah! Now I shan’t have to deal with that horrid thing again. And now, a blow-by-blow account of How I Defeated the Clutch.
The first part of the test is the hill, which is where the Clutch rubs its evil diabolical hands and plots your downfall. My problem with the hill, personally, is that I don’t go far enough up the hill. Mostly I’m just short of the ’stopping zone’. My instructor made me do the hill bit over and over until I had a reliable gauge of how far to go before hitting the brakes. (Not one for a gentle coasting-to-a-stop, me.)
There was a queue of cars waiting to go up the hill, but as most of those cars moved on to the time-comsuming parking bit, I had to wait until a car came back for me. The queue had shrunk remarkably by then, which for me is a bad thing, because you need time to adjust yourself to the car. I didn’t have much time, it was ‘into gear, release handbrake’ and off I went up the hill. I rolled up slowly and hit the brakes spectacularly. Sticking my head out of the window, I saw that I had hit the ’sweet spot’ of the stopping zone, where it is perfectly safe and you’re not in danger of rolling backwards into the ‘fail zone’. Foot firmly planted on the brake, I pulled the handbrake. Hard. Now, either the sun was too bright, or the damn thing is kaput, because there was no light where there should have been a little red ‘Handbrake on’ light. You know, the one that looks like this: (!)
No matter. Now to do battle with the clutch. All my training had been leading up to this moment - to release the clutch just enough to make the car shudder, then hit the gas. I confess that perhaps I didn’t release it as much as I usually did. I was a bit too ‘gabrah’ (slang for ‘flustered’) and I just let it go a little bit, but my conscience was centred on the gas. I stepped on it until the engine started purring nicely, and then I stepped on it some more.
The invigilator must have got facefuls of white smoke thanks to me. But those Road Transport officials are heavy smokers anyway, so whatever. The car was now going VROOM VROOM and those down below must have been having a good laugh at me. No matter. I passed.
Releasing the handbrake, I kept my foot on the gas and released the clutch and Vrrrrrooom… the car crested the hill. It wasn’t as beautiful as I could have hoped, it sounded a little laboured, but no matter. Descending the hill, I was on a high, but…
Some person had chosen to stop her car right at the foot of the hill. Fool! Don’t you know you might be rear-ended by a nervous examinee? Luckily I wasn’t going very fast (bearing in mind the fact that your brake lights should light up, so the examiner knows you’re not a reckless speed demon) and someone standing next to her car gave her the heads-up to move her car out of my way. I pulled up nearby (not blocking any cars, I’ll have you know) and trotted up the hill to get my form.
I knew I had done ok, but still I was a little tense as I watched him fill up the form and tick ‘Lulus’ (pass). He didn’t even acknowledge my thanks, just kept on filling forms, and I drove off to do parking.
The parking invigilator was rather nice, he was patient with a dumbo like me as I made sure where and when to get out of the car. After I successfully manoeuvered into the parking space, I raised my hand and watched his reaction in the mirror. He waved me onwards so I got out and went to do my 3-point turn. No problems there. (As my dad says, the Kancil is such a small car that 3-point turns should be easy.)
And I was nice when I returned the car. Knowing that the others, like me, needed time to accustom themselves to the car, I stopped as far away from the car in front as I dared. I would have stopped straight out of the turn, but the ‘car retriever’ was standing there. So I trundled on for a bit and spotted a yellow square on the tarmac.
Ah ha, I thought to myself. I’ll just pretend that I thought this yellow square is where I should stop. And I did. The car was a good 2 metres away from the car in front. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but that’s a decent space in which to test out the clutch. I got out, skipped to the parking invigilator and got my test results. Yay. Clutching that carbonized form, I wandered around looking for my instructor. He was in the car park eating durians. *…*
It’s always a good idea not to piss off the invigilators. They oversee so many cars at one time, you know? The one doing the hill has a good life, he sits there in the shade under the trees and the shelter, and only watches 2 cars at a time. (Even then, I had to ask him if I could descend, because he never called my number and didn’t seem to really care who was in which car.) The ones doing the parking (there are 2 of them) sit under a shelter, but there aren’t shady trees around, bah. And they watch 2 parking cars and 1 3-point turning car, each. So they have a bit of a tougher job, I guess. (Although they probably don’t get facefuls of exhaust fumes.)
No more driving lessons and forking out money for me, yay!
Tears of an Old Girl
I went back to my old high school to attend my sister’s Lit Night. It’s the highlight of our cultural scene, when the English Society puts on a show with songs, dances, acting and some solo speeches.
Nothing much to talk about, I won’t ramble on about it in the style of an overly-proud sister. The really rousing part came at the end, when we stood up to sing the school anthem. It’s been nearly 4 years since I left school, and in the intervening period, I’ve had the chance to learn and sing other anthems, such as the Victorian anthem and the Eusoff anthem. But none of them made me leak tears the way my school anthem did.
Looking at the teenagers around me, belting out the anthem with gusto… do they really know what they’re singing? Do they observe the words which state that, no matter where in the world we go, we’ll look back at our alma mater? They haven’t left school yet, so maybe they don’t feel it the way I do.
But I’ve spent years overseas and singing the anthem in my old school hall was a homecoming of sorts. I spent 11 years singing the song, and it’s irreversibly tied up with some of the best bits of my life. I grew from child to young woman here. I made friends to keep for the rest of my life, friendships I haven’t been able to replicate elsewhere. A place where the teachers know who I was, before I was Lynn Chan the blogger, before I was even a “scholar”.
It’s like going home to your own bed after years of living in hotels. Comfortable, secure, safe. It really is like coming home.
Ad Veritatem Per Caritatem.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: To scare the daylights out of the learner driver.
I thought today might be a better day, but it was screwed up from the beginning. My instructor called to change my slot from 12pm to 3pm because someone had lost his identity card and my instructor needed to handle it. Damn. So I went back to playing my video game for another 2 hours.
It was a good drive there, nothing of interest, but towards the end of the class things started to go wrong. During the 3 point turn, I tried to reverse the car and it went forward instead. I stopped in confusion. The gear was in reverse, the steering was turned in the right direction… so why the hell am I going forward instead of back? I bore down on the accelerator, causing the car to hum very loudly, and started moving. Later, as I was waiting for my turn at the hill, I watched others face the same problem. I guess it was the rainy weather and the slight slope at the place. Dammit.
And I don’t know what went freaking wrong with the hill. On my final practice round, it took me 3 tries to get over the hill. I don’t know for sure why it couldn’t move. Perhaps I was too hasty with the clutch, perhaps I didn’t hit the accelerator enough… man, that was a damn fiasco. Especially since the hill is usually not my weakness.
As for the parking, 3 times in a row my mind wandered while turning the wheel, and I turned it to the right instead of the left. And the worst thing is I didn’t even realise it until I started moving and realised I was moving in the wrong direction. *super embarrassed*
I think I was so engrossed in doing my “parking procedures” that I neglected to pay attention to what I was actually doing. My mind is most alert when I’m on the road. The driving circuit is located in a rural area. It’s so rural there are chickens running around on the road and by the side of the parking circuit. (Hence the joke above.) When I go for a practice on-the-road test, I get some pretty amazing scenery. Nothing special, it’s all regrowth forest and housing estates, but the landscape is very hilly and the roads have so many corners. One particular stretch makes a giant loop around a valley, so you can look down, across the valley to the road further on as you descend. Add the hills in the distance and the trees, and it’s really pleasing to the eye.
I didn’t ’sei for’ on the way to the driving centre, and I thought I might actually have a chance at a day without such an embarrassment while on the road. I thought wrong. I was on my way to a perfect drive home, but it had to get me. The horrible traitorous clutch has not forgiven me. At the final turn before the home stretch (the final one! The absolute last!) I had to brake while turning a corner and something somewhere must have gone wrong, because the clutch gave out and I ’sei for’. Damn damn damn.
You just wait, clutch. You just wait. When I get the money, I’m going to buy my own car. And it will be an automatic. I’ll never have to deal with you again, never! You hear me?
Test tomorrow. Looking at a long and boring but tension-filled day at the driving centre.
A Prognostic Post
The nature of blog posts is to record events that happened in the past. In true Lynn fashion, I am going to turn this concept on its head and blog about future events! I am going to predict the future of the Singapore blogosphere, haha! *rubs hands in glee*
1. mr brown’s baby
If mr brown’s baby is a boy, his son Isaac will have a little brother and partner-in-crime to whom he can impart his skills of Trying to Take Big Sister’s Toys and The Art of Sniffling Pathetically. Poor Faith will have no peace liao.
If mr brown’s baby is a girl, Isaac will have to play big brother. In that case, he will be the one getting no peace, because it’s a common thing for younger sisters to bully their elder brothers. Then some more Isaac cannot hit a girl mah. Poor Isaac. But hope is not lost! He can still unleash his magical weapon, the Pathetic Sniffle!
2. Agagooga’s hair
Thanks to his new rebonding, Agagooga will become the first Singaporean blogger to win a shampoo endorsement. Look out for him on your local double decker bus, extolling the virtues of whichever brand endorses him.
3. TSI:Unlimited
Come this August, the ranks of the Noose bloggers expand as cH joins us in our dear old uni. Expect more posts on the characteristic style of Noose admin, the peculiarity of our mid-term break and also the Centennial celebrations which I frankly don’t give a toss about. Aside: University Malaya is also having its centennial this year, on the same basis as Noose (they were, after all, once the same uni) and I don’t care about that either.
4. Cowboy Caleb’s wedding
By extending my psychic feelers into the future, I can predict that Caleb will close down his (super-duper, fantastic, much-beloved) blog soon after his wedding. That will be a black day indeed. Who else will we turn to for our musical recommendations and NSFW diversions? Who will showcase Starbucks in its worldwide ubiquity? And who, I ask, who will be our Secret Agent Man?
5. Tomorrow.sg
Not a blogger per se, but my psychic abilities alert me to great possibilities for this young one. Perhaps it will be given special, behind-the-scenes access to the Blogger Convention, haha. But really, Tomorrow.sg is dependent on the Singapore blogosphere as a whole, because its content is, after all, a conglomeration of our efforts. There will be so much creative energy after Bloggers.sg that Tomorrow will see an explosion in genius blogs. Yay yay.
Disclaimer: (because my (soon-to-be) lawyer (boyfriend) advises me to have one)
No guarantees on the truth of anything published here, because I’ve just been getting my high from sniffing the fumes from my nail polishes.
A Change of Tactic
My posts have been kinda stuck in a rut lately, I know. Just silly posts about driving and makeup. Well, sorry, but when you’re stuck at home all day watching Chinese drama serials with your grandma, your brain doesn’t exactly churn out gems.
So, in order to circumvent this situation, I have decided to take stimulants and kick my brain into overdrive. I mean, it worked for people like that short little artist in Moulin Rouge who took absinthe, so it’s gotta be worth a try, yeah?
*rummages around cupboards*
There’s no alcohol in the house!!!! *rummages around some more*
Eh, look what I found, my dog’s heartworm prevention pills. *pops two*
Ahem. So today, I’m going to write a product review of a very special kind. There are plenty of sites reviewing, like, makeup and cars and computers, but none to review pets. Yeah pets. So I’m going to review my dog.
Breed: English Cocker Spaniel
Specifications: Brown fur, docked tail, male
This particular model of the very popular Cocker Spaniel brand, LK-133, is targeted at families with children. It is famed for its ease of handling and responsiveness. However, a bug common to the brand remains unrectified with the LK-133 model. It will steal floor rugs at any given opportunity, and will also sometimes crash your laundry-drying applications.
The included software with this model is very basic, allowing only simple commands like ’sit’ and ’shake hands’. The operating system is very complicated. User-end upgrading of software is possible but requires expert knowledge and time.
Maintenance of this model is fairly simple. Fuel comsumption is low at 2 bowls every day, but be prepared to pay a price for the aesthetics of this model. The Cocker Spaniel brand has made its mark by producing long-haired products which shed a lot. Constant grooming is a must for this model.
The review model of the LK-133 has been tested for 5 years and this reviewer finds no major health or behaviour problems. The default factory setting for the tail is ‘docked’. Personally, this reviewer has never seen a Cocker Spaniel with the tail setting on ‘undocked’.
Overall, a good and solid model suited for use as a pet. Those looking for a more powerful guard dog may consider the popular German Shepherd brand, while a lower-maintenance model to consider may be a Chihuahua. However, the Cocker Spaniel LK-133 is a decent mid-range model with a reasonable budget.
Move you sepet-eyed driver!
More driving today. Getting worse. Off-form today cos it was late in the afternoon and I was a little rattled by the traffic. It got worse when I had to take a little pre-test. I have no idea what was the point of the whole thing, but it was a fiasco.
I got in a different car with the tester and he told me to start it. I turned the key. The engine made a sound but didn’t jerk to life. I did this like 5 times before my instructor showed up and told me to turn the key all the way to the right. Oh. Duh me.
I did maybe one round of the learning centre and he told me that I needed more practice, I wasn’t good at it yet. Is that all? Don’t you want to see my lovely parking and 3-point turn? You’re just going to do one round and make your judgement? Hmph. Well I don’t believe him anyway. I’m not wonderful, but I am good enough to pass. I know it. But just in case, I have 2 more lessons this week before taking the test on Tuesday. Yay yay.
‘Sepet’ is a Malay word describing the stereotypical Chinese eyes. It’s also the name of a movie which was released about 2 years back in Malaysia, but which only really made an international impact this year when it was screened at a film festival. It is the story of a romance between a Chinese boy and a Malay girl. I watched it this afternoon and ended up crying bucketloads at the ending. The dialogue is totally understandable if, like me, you speak 2 Chinese dialects in addition to English and Malay and Mandarin. But not to worry, there are subtitles (which I came to require at some point because my Hokkien is very, very rudimentary). I think the reason why it was so popular was because it’s a very honest film. It doesn’t gloss over things like gangsterism, spousal abuse and even the awarding of government scholarships. Respect to the director for that. I’m thinking of buying the DVD or VCD, because it’s really a very good movie. And maybe if we can have a film screening for Malaysian Night at the hostel, we can screen this.
Another local film which also has an interracial romance is ‘Spinning Gasing’. ‘Gasing’ is a top, like the toy. It stars the yummilicious Craig Fong, but of course he’s not the only reason I want to see the movie. It was in the cinemas a few years back but I didn’t catch it.
Ai chialat. I just found out that the Malaysian version of Sepet has been cut. The international release is the one with the full version. Dammit. A prophet is never recognised in his own land, no?
Sometimes Friendster breaks your heart
I had a conversation with an old acquaintance just now, during which he informed me that his girlfriend was in NUS and asked if I knew her. I didn’t even know they were together, last I heard he was gaga over her but I thought it was just a phase. So, out of curiosity, I went to see his pictures on Friendster.
It was a bad idea. I ended up clicking on the link that led to a mutual friend of ours. I have not seen this friend for ages, we were really close in the beginning of JC life but we had a falling-out and I refused to have anything to do with him after that.
I had a look at his photos to see if he still looked like the same person from 2 years ago. He looks better, more confident and mature (and also he got contact lenses which may have upped the aesthetic factor). He even posted a picture of himself in a tuxedo attending a ball, with 2 ang-moh girls (not babes) flanking him.
It was then that I felt a small pain in my heart. It wasn’t jealousy, it was more like the pain of loss and wondering ‘what if?’ He didn’t look like that when I knew him. He didn’t look so polished, he was pretty nerdy and definitely not good-looking. I feel cheated. Why couldn’t I have been his friend when he was good-looking? Why did I have to get the short end of the stick?
Why aren’t we still friends?
But all that is beyond argument. I made a decision years ago with regard to our friendship, and I’ll live with the consequences. He may never regret that we fell out, and besides I’m not that much improved from when he saw me last.
There are so many maybes… Maybe we should have parted on better terms. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so stubborn. Maybe he shouldn’t have done this or that. But you can’t step into the same river twice, so.
I’m in a totally morbid mood today. Sorry.
When Lynns Go Wild!
In a story of a progressive descent into madness today, I decided to go and test out the contents of my makeup bag. It started decently enough, I was testing my eyeshadows because I wanted to see if I really needed another brown one.
Then I decided to test my blusher on my thigh instead of my face. I got very satisfactory results, too.
Then, in the final coup de grace, I took out mascara and lipstick and tested them on my other thigh, in something resembling a magazine makeup spread.
The final result:
From top:
Maybelline Liquid Eyeliner in Black
Maybelline Lash Discovery in Brown
Revlon LipGlide in Pink Lightning
Body Shop Liquid Lipcolour in Sunrise Pink
Red Earth Lip Shine
Revlon Moisturous Lipcolour in Rosewater
Red Earth Lipstick in BE217
Red Earth Lip Gloss in PK206
Body Shop Lip Gloss Dot
I have descended into madness. I was even giggling slightly when I smeared lipcolour onto my skin. I blame it on the media bombarding me with fashion and beauty advertisements.
Seek it within you, you must.
I had a driving lesson at 8 am today. 8 am. Like, who’s even awake at that time on a Sunday morning? But I figured it was a good time to drive since the roads would be quite empty, and the sun wouldn’t be hot, and I could go shopping after that.
Boy was I wrong. I had to go round and round the circuit, practicing my parking, 3-point turn and hill. I am glad to report that I have mastered the art of the hill. Just a word of warning: If you are ever caught behind me going uphill and I have to pull the handbrake and balance the crutch and all that, please be patient with me. I can do it fine. But not fast. I release the clutch like 1 mm at a time so it takes me ages to finally get off the hill. But at least I can do it perfectly! (Kel, how come you straight away pull handbrake wan? I must check that I’m within the yellow line first.) My boyfriend was wrong. (Gosh I hope he’s reading this! Haha! I’m right and I’m going public about it!) There was no tachometer on the dash. I looked and looked and I’m sure there isn’t one. Not where you expect one to be, anyway. But it is all right, I don’t need it. Ooh aren’t I cocky.
And I managed not to ’sei for’ while on the way to the practice circuit. I did do that while leaving the toll plaza, and while waiting at an intersection, but ok otherwise. I’m so proud of myself. Yay!
Oh oh oh! And you know what? I did a 3-point turn on my own outside of the marked area! See, I was leaving the parking practice area and there was a queue for the hill (lots of people practicing on Sunday, I see) so I had to go to the end of the line. The road was a bit narrow so I had to do a 3-point turn to align the car properly. I’m so proud of myself. I’m just high on myself today.
I’ve completed the mandatory 8 hours of driving practice. Next up is a pre-test, which is to prepare for the actualy test which should be next week. I have another lesson on Tuesday and the test is on the following Monday. Oooh. It’s only been 4 weeks since I went for the theory lecture. I’m doing pretty well, if I do say so myself. Yeah my head’s swelled to the size of a watermelon. Heehee.
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